How to stay alive in the dead of night

We all have irrational things we are afraid of, like sharks at the deep end of the swimming pool, or flushing the toilet in the night because it draws attention from the toilet-monster.

But some of our fears do not feel irrational, like the monster that appears when our eyes are closed in the shower. So how do we stay alive when such evil lurks in the corners of our house?

You are safe under the mighty and invincible blanket. This unspoken life-saving tip has made its way down the generations, protecting us from the evil hand of the dark. Indubitably, we would have been dragged to our graves if not for the thin but indestructible piece of fabric that kept us safe.

It doesn’t matter if it’s sweltering hot under the blanket, or your air-con is turned off without a fan. This is a life and death situation! You have to stay under the blanket at all costs till you fall asleep to protect your life.

The trick is to make sure your toes don’t peek out from the blanket, or you would be more accessible to the bed monster, the mass murderer or other evil things that roam in the dark. Having your whole body under covers ensures your life is preserved.

It happens to everyone. First, you weigh out the consequences of going out of your room dead in the night to grab a bite. Veritably, making guacamole and some pasta seems to be worth even giving up your life, and so you do.

The meal is delicious, but then you realise what you’ve done and the consequence you have to face…

Then comes the walk (or run) of doom, when you switch of all the lights in the corridor, and sprint into your room before the outside-of-your-room monster gets to you. The trick to it is leaving your bedroom door wide open when you first head to the kitchen, and keep all the lights you have turned on along the way.

Once you’re in the room and you shut your door, you know you’re in safe hands, because all the evil harvesting in the kitchen can no longer get to you.

You’re taking a nice shower after a long day and you’re right about to close your eyes to rinse the shampoo out of your hair. But wait. No. You are reminded of the toilet-monster that lurks around, waiting for you to shut your eyes.

As you close your eyes, even for a split second, every sound you hear suddenly leaves you with goose bumps. Without a doubt, it must be a squeak of the supernatural, making their presence known.

It simply cannot be a neighbour using the toilet upstairs, or the sound of a running pipe. That would be too anti-climactic and rational.

The monsters don’t emerge when your eyes are open, so make sure to keep yours wide open, even if they sting from all that shampoo.

We swear by these ways of fending of evil although they make no logical sense, but maybe these tips are what have kept the human race alive for this long. We may never know, unless someone someday is bold enough to leave his toes out of his blanket. That won’t be me though…